Sunday, April 30, 2006

The Mexico Problem

Disclaimer: The following is satire, people... don't take it too seriously (and if you do, you need to get out more).

On the eve of the next round of "Illegal Immigrant" marches, I propose a solution to the problem that will solve this "Mexican Problem" once and for all...

ANNEX MEXICO. Or, at least, part of it. I mean, why not? It's the Mexican border that most of the illegal drugs in the USA enter through. It's (obviously) the Mexican border that most of the illegal aliens (sorry, "undocumented migrants" - way to politicize THAT one, by the way) enter through. So just annex it, and get it over with. Hell, we invaded them and kicked the shit out of them once (1848, anyone?), why not do it again? What are they going to do? Complain that their standard of living is about to go up?

Okay... that's a little far-fetched and probably just a little racist, but it brings up a good point. Northern Mexico is our supposed little immigrant problem area. Well, it's a known fact that Northern Mexico has a shitload of oil (which used to be drilled by American companies, mind you). So, the way I look at it, you annex the Mexican states of Baja California Norte, Baja California Sur, Sonora, Chihuahua, Cohuila, Nuevo Leon, and Tamaulipas, you solve THREE problems at the same time.

1. Oil. Well, shit, all of a sudden, the US of A has access to a lot more crude.
2. Illegal Immigration. Well, shit, all of a sudden, most of these illegal immigrants now become legal. Not by virtue of another bullshit "grandfather clause," but by virtue of the US Army taking over their homeland.
3. Border Patrol. Related to the above reason, to be sure, but now the US border has shrunk considerably, we've taken away the Baja pipeline, and the "illegals" (and the drug runners) have to build new tunnels.

Not to mention that, should we approach North Mexico the same way that the British approached Quebec, the "learn our language or leave" argument would be moot, since Spanish would by default become an "official" language of this country.

Here's what I really think: Don't get me wrong, I love Mexico, and everyone who knows me damn sure knows I love Mexicans (Salma Hayek, I adore thee). I'm also learning Spanish, and one day I intend to be fluent. I do, however, think the border needs to be secured, but I also think it needs to be much easier to come to this country legally. The current system we've got is a bunch of bureacratic bullshit. We've got plenty of room in this country, regardless of what some neo-Nazi fuck in the Deep South thinks. As a country founded on immigration and built upon annexation, there's no reason we can't take more people.

My one stipulation for Spanish speakers (actually, for ALL foreign-language speakers): if you broadcast a signal within US borders, either television, cable, or radio, you should have to broadcast a sister-signal in English. We transmit foreign languages on our major channels, so there's no reason that you shouldn't transmit English on yours. After all, everyone knows that the hottest women are on Univision, and I, for one, would like to know what they're saying.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Strange Afterthoughts of Language

Everybody knows that English is a highly illogical and fucked up language, but we don't care. We rule the fucking world, and that's how it's going to be.

Anyway, there are two phrases that tend to bug me whenever I hear them:

1) "I've caught a cold" - First of all, who catches a cold? It's not like my cold dug out under the backyard fence and I have to run him down with a milkbone and a leash. Or my partner and I held a stakeout at a house where a suspected cold might be selling drugs. The damn phrase should be "A cold caught me."

2) "I have to take a shit" - Okay. Has anybody actually ever sat down on a toilet and sucked a piece of shit INTO their ass? I haven't, and other than some kinky German women I know, most people usually don't. Verdict: change the phrase to "I have to give a shit."

Bonus) "I don't give a shit." - Really? Even if you did, I wouldn't want you to, because I'm not too particularly fond of the smell. Save it for the toilet (or kinky German women).

Saturday, April 22, 2006

IMDb Listings

People who write their own IMDb bios are idiots; people who pay or ask others to write their IMDb bios are even bigger idiots.

Here's the thing, the IMDb was started out as a simple database for movies (hence, the "Db" part). With it, you could look up all your favorite films, actors, directors, and what nots. The bios, back in the day, were usually written by professionals of some sort, or die hard fans that could almost pass as legitimate biographers.

Then it happened... the IMDb goes "mainstream" (whatever the fuck that is) and starts a "Pro" version that basically turned the whole damned website into a pimp for wannabe actors, writers, and filmmakers, who otherwise couldn't get their name placed in a sex offender registry if they tried.

The result? Every mook that's happened to have been in 3 seconds of a fourth-rate film or television show has their "resume" (a.k.a. bullshit credits) listed in the IMDb... why? Well, because the IMDb lets them. It's how they make their money.

Way to go. Pollute a great website with your self-promoting crap. Yeah, you know who I'm talking to.