Friday, March 2, 2012

Weird Things I've Heard This Year

So, 2012 has yet to slow down, and (I am forced to admit) it is kicking my ass. I'm exhausted. But... gotta keep up. Anyone want to be a live-in secretary? You can have the bedroom... I'll sleep on the couch with the dog and cats.

Anyhoo... in the last six weeks I have, quite literally, been having two meetings a day, Monday through Friday, with some weekend setups just for shits and giggles. Lots of new partners, lots of new friends... and lots of new psychos (an ex of mine would posit that I should fit right in). I'll be peppering this blog with what my partners and friends are up to all year, I'm sure, but I figured to share some of the strange things I've heard in this young year. And since we just wrapped up awards season, I'll present these as the IrrOscars.


The "Where Were You A Few Years Ago?" Award:
"Oh my god. My baby is beautiful, but if you were the father, she'd be gorgeous."

The "Oh... Kay..." Award:
"There's nothing better than waking up to a mouthful of cock."

The "You Clearly Don't Know What You're Talking About" Award:
"Why did you tell my friends I do meth? I don't do meth. I do speed."

The "Thanks, but I Can Pitch Myself" Award:
"If his stories were women, you'd want to fuck them."

The Vanity Award:
"Did she pass the cold sore test?"

The "I Had No Idea" Award:
"You don't have to pay back your credit cards, because you don't own them and there's a $3 billion credit fund available for the public to use on whatever it wants."

Honorable Mention:
"If an ex has a kid within eight to ten months of your birthday, they were thinking of you while they were fucking."

The "You're an Idiot" Award:
"My girlfriend and I agreed to an open relationship, and she went and fucked some guy four times! She wasn't supposed to do that!"

The "Please, Stop" Award:
"I never thought I'd have to ask someone to stop humping my furniture."

That's all for now. 'Til next time...

2 comments:

  1. *snicker* Rough Crowd Jeff. And I thought Stockton was bad. Two meetings a day? Is THAT ALL? I f*ckin' wish! Childs play my man. Live in Secretary? I'm game. Payment in wine and food....in that order.

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  2. Secretary? Already offered but you don't pay enough and you haven't got a proper bed so I'd prefer the couch. Meth/speed...meh...wish my meetings involved red wine and sushi!

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