I was scolded for posting my last "mental beat" on my private blog, so I'll post one here...
Smiles and Everything They Can Mean
It's the first sunrise you can remember, and the last you think you will. Maybe it's not very warm, but it probably is. And, at the very least, it's bright enough. If you're on an east coast north of the equator, the reflection over the water will remind you how warm that water is. If you're on a west coast, you'll know that the sun is shining over the heads of almost everyone you know. It's all good. Smile.
It's the last sunset you want to forget, and the first you think you might. Maybe it's cold, but it might be warm. Purples, oranges, and reds inspire photographs because, well, it's not something we're supposed to see too many times. Only in Los Angeles, some people sometimes say, but one day you might find yourself in Los Angeles and wonder what the big deal is. And when it's gone, you'll miss it. Like people, things you see will touch and go. Felt and gone. But always somewhere in the back of your mind. She might hate you, you might hate her, you might not trade who you're with for any amount of memories, but they're still there... nagging the shit out of you. She might read this and smile, thinking I'm thinking about her... but she might be wrong.
Of course, she might be right.
Then again... who has the time to reminisce?
There's the girl in the coffee shop, talking to a friend of yours, but smiling your way. Life's not where either one of you want it to be, but if she's willing to take the chance, why aren't you? Why aren't I?
Because there are other things to be done. One thing at a time. Brick by brick, layer by layer. The wall of humanity is a careful construction always ready to fall. It's best not to crush anyone underneath your weight, even if you're weightless.
Another smile is crooked, because you're a creep. Or, at least, imagined that way. Someone's said something before you even got there and there was too much time for the thought to become belief. Nothing you can do except enjoy your coffee and get the Hell out of there. Don't linger, waiting for the expression to change. If you're important enough... or if they are... the chase will start soon. It might take a sunset to get it started.
A friend will make fun of you. All in good fun.
An enemy will threaten you. How empty of them.
It's all so fucking hysterical. Everything is everything, including a horse. It's all a horse. Hop on and go for a ride. Or don't. Just don't blame anyone else when you finally realize that the world has passed you by. It's your own fault you're so pathetic.
I don't blame you. Or you. Or you. Or you. I blame myself, if indeed there's anything worth passing blame for. And from where I'm standing, everything's okay. It can always get better, sure, and there's always someone better, but who cares? At some point, just pick up the fucking microphone and sing. Off-key, the door might be locked, but somebody's inside... and they just might answer.
Come inside. Have a Coke and a smile.
But mean it, this time. We can all be good company. It's okay to miss it. We all touch. And we all go away. I'll miss it, too.
While we're being honest, doesn't it suck that we even have that saying? Let it make you laugh as you realize that it implies that everyone's usually lying. Watch your favorite doctor on television and nod in silent agreement. Self-incrimination is the implication we live with, and only the laconic avoid the trap of telling on one's self. Just remember... even the loquacious do it with a smile.
Do you keep your head down when you walk around strange places? Is it because you live there? Do you stare at the tops of tall buildings you rarely see? Is it because you're visiting? Regardless, is whatever you're looking at enough to keep you from saying hello to a passerby? Say it sometime. Chances are, you'll surprise everyone, yourself included.
It's that fucking simple.
And notice that when you say it to a stranger, there's rarely a goodbye. Oh, you're gone... but you never left, so what does it really matter? Better to be remembered as a moving silhouette than as the angry words you said before a friend died. Or the out-of-place minority ripping the door off of your car when your sedan slid into a tree. We're never where people need us because we never notice who's in need. Irony? Or stupidity. Probably a bit of both... we are all extremely stupid, after all.
Cheer up, though. It's worth laughing about. You ever try to laugh without smiling? It's fucking difficult.
So smile because things are good. Smile because things are bad, but not as bad as they could be. Smile because you're nervous. Smile because, yes, dumbass, she's into you. Keep 'em coming, motherfucker, because no one likes a curmudgeon. I should know.
The world is small. Sit on a park bench in New York City long enough, and the whole world will walk by. No, I didn't say that, and I don't remember who did. Wise words, though... and I'm sure their wait will be perceptibly shorter if they're wearing a smile.
The world is huge. How much of it have you seen? Where were you when you learned your enemies smile the same way you do? Did you even notice?
It's the last sunrise you'll remember, and the first you'll truly appreciate. Maybe it's cold, but that's probably only because you can't feel anything, anyway. The arms holding you up are a stranger's, but they belong to a friend. Give 'em a smile. Let them shed the tear. Leave a mark as they take one. Touched. Gone. Not forgotten.
It's all good. I remember you, and fondly. We're just fine.