Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Up in Your Down Under

By the time anyone reads this I'll be in the air, having left LAX for Sydney, Australia, where I will spend over three weeks making Aussies hate America. Oh, yes... if they don't already, they will...

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Kango who?"
"No, Kangaroo, bitch!"

Not funny? Fine, how about this one?

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Koala who?"
"Koala Bears, motherfucker!"

You're probably rolling your eyes, but I find the latter one extremely hilarious.

Lost-In-Translation Fact #1: Australians think Americans are arrogant and obnoxious. Americans think Australians are arrogant and drunk. They're wrong. We're right. Nyah.

I plan on eating kangaroo (how evil of me, I know). My friend Helen swears that I'll refuse to try any after seeing roos in the wild. I've seen wild rabbits. I've seen wild cows. I've seen wild deer. I've seen wild pigs. What's my point? I've eaten all of them (and more). Helen's logic is arrogant and drunk. I mean... fallacious.

I was hoping to catch an actual opera at the Sydney Opera House, but I'm going to have to settle for a symphony orchestra. Ah, well... at least I'm actually seeing something at the Opera House, rather than just doing what most Americans do - walk around it.

Lost-In-Translation Fact #2: Australians still use that horribly inefficient "British-English." Why add two unnecessary letters to the phrase, "favorite color?" Why pronounce "zee" as "zed?" Seriously, think about it... it's the only letter that has a pronunciation that begins and ends with a consonant. One of these things is not like the other ones, one of these things does not belong. Er, yeah... that would be us, I guess. But only because we're the only primarily-English-speaking nation without a queen.

An aside: A, Bed, Ced, Ded, Ed, F, Ged, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Ped, Q, R, S, Ted, U, Ved, W, X, Y, Zed. Yeah... definitely ridiculous.

Also going to an Aussie-rules professional football game with my buddy Adam. Fuck yeah. First sporting event I'll have been to in a looooong time. Can't wait. Good times. With drunk Aussies.

Spending the night at a haunted quarantine station. It was supposed to be (partially) a location scout for an American Ghost Hunters-type production. Sadly, the people who run said production (not Ghost Hunters, by the way) are horribly unreliable. Their loss, not mine... since I'm still going. Nyer.

Lost-In-Translation Fact #3: Most Aussies find Americans horrible travelers. Actually, I tend to agree. Americans are mostly tourists. What culture breeds people who claim to have experienced foreign lands and cultures by taking a cruise ship to a dock filled with other Americans who - outside of funny letters forming words they can't read - wouldn't be able to tell the difference between Cozumel, Nassau, and Miami? Oh, wait... America.

My aforementioned friend Helen is taking me on a (probably) two-day hunt for the infamous Gippsland Earthworm. It's a rare species, often growing up to six-feet in length, with a maw the size of a large marble, full of razor-sharp teeth. They've been known to feed on unsuspecting campers in the night. They have some sort of hollow injector in their mouths that anesthetizes the bite area so they can feed on you without you waking up to your blood being sucked.

Okay, I made all the flesh-eating shit up, but it got you excited, didn't it? Really... they do grow to six-feet. An earthworm! Who wouldn't want to see that? Oh, wait... stupid people who take cruise ships just to offload on beaches full of Americans.

Anyhoo, I might post some cool shit that happens while I'm down there (maybe even my hair cut), but don't get your hopes up.

"Knock, knock."
"Shut the fuck up. Tourist."


  1. I think my point about you being an arrogant American is proven and for the record, We're not ALWAYS drunk. You forgot the Comedy Festival, Ned Kelly's Armour, Fairy Penguins, the Great Ocean Road and vegetables. You will eat vegetables. Oh and cupcakes. And Vegemite, OK I'm rambling. And I've conveniently forgotten sky diving. Doh! See you in 12 hours. I'll be the bog-eyed woman who forgot to change out of her pyjamas. 6am, who arrives at 6am?

  2. You remind me of that Groucho Marx quote: "I don’t care to belong to any club that would have me as a member."

    How's that working for you?

  3. you are so going to get the shit kicked out of you. hey, i wouldn't walk around the opera house, i'd climb over it.

    i believed the worm thing. how cool

  4. Jeff,
    Wow, Looks like your dance card is full. No knock-knock jokes during the symphony... they will not be appreciated.
    It all sounds very nice but would you please get to Croatia so I may ask you to forward me a bit of folk textiles?
    Through me some fabric and I’ll toss you some kuna.