Sunday, March 6, 2011

Irreport, 20110306

So... are you back?

So... what's with all the posting?
If you actually read here (and I doubt you do), you would remember that I mentioned I'd be burning-off a lot of posts that had already been written before I took a mental vacation.

Where's all the fiction and stuff?
Elsewhere. Again, if you actually read here, you'd know where. That last piece was an accident and that's the only reason it's been posted at IrreX2.

Why do you have private and public blogs for your fiction and stuff?
I've identified people whose opinions aren't completely full of shit - even some who are highly critical of my crap - so I let them read my garbage in private, where they're free to tell me I suck without repercussion or judgment. I'm sorry, but if 500 people are telling you that your stuff is awesome, and they're neither helping you get published nor paying for your work, they're completely full of shit.

I thought you didn't speak in absolutes and that you believe there are always exceptions?
Nope; yep.

What does that mean?
Yep; nope?

Are you asking me?
I have no idea.

Did you mean all those rude things you said about (insert name)?
Probably. Even if I didn't, those rude things are true. Yeah, (insert name), I'm talking about you.

Purple or Violet?
As a color, I'd pick Violet. As a name, I'd pick Purple.

I heard you successfully predicted Libya. Is that true?
No. I successfully predicted Lebanon (in 2006). I wasn't surprised by Libya. Although Al-Jazeera was.

I was talking about football.
Rugby, soccer, or gridiron?

The only real football is American football.

Any truth to the rumors that the National Football League is going to contact you for assistance in resolving its current labor dispute?
Like the illustrious President of the United States, I find that I have nothing better to do than to stick my nose into the administration of America's most popular sports league. Also like the illustrious President of the United States, I feel that - despite not playing football at any significant level... ever - I am highly qualified to provide commentary on the game.

But... aren't you a proponent of the belief that the critical mindset is inherently different from the player/artist mindset?
Don't pay attention to me. It's not worth the effort. And I actually like how the President handled that question. I'm just being irreverent. Surprise!

Is it true that you're so anal, you actually hide typos in what you write in order to catch "skimmers?"
I facking hate skimmers.

Why are you talking to yourself?
Wanted an intelligent conversation.

That's lame.
Never said I wasn't.

You're an asshole.
Never said I wasn't.

You're proud of being an asshole?
I'm proud that people know they can get a straight answer from me.

But you're just an anonymous name on the Internet. That's probably not even your photo.
I'm talking to myself. We've already established that I'm crazy. And I never said it was.

So, you tell the truth even when you're drunk and/or angry?
Of course not. Don't be stupid.

And you're not drunk and/or angry now, yes?
I'm sober, but you're irritating me.

Need I remind you that you're talking to yourself?
I'm typing to myself, idiot. There's a difference.

You just wrote that you're an idiot.
Never said I wasn't.

What else are you?
Hmm... according to this hot chick: arrogant, creepy, and pretentious. She also called me an idiot.

That's quite the gamut.
Never said I wasn't.

What? A gamut? Do you know what "gamut" means?
I will once I look it up on an online dictionary and pretend I've known it for my entire life.

Who does that?
Uh... everyone on the Internet.

You're an asshole.
You're repeating yourself. Can I go now?

One last question: any regrets?
Just one. Having to give up my dogs, Jasper and Jax. Miss you guys. Starbuck does, too.

Starbuck, Jax, Jasper: A Long Time Ago...


  1. sucks to give up pets...not sure i can spell gemut...thought it does rhyme with idiot...and irrelevant...

  2. hmmm. i'm hoping you are a work in progress. Sorry about your barking peeps, everyone needs a cheering section, even you.

  3. Yeah, been there. Giving up pets is crap. I'm hoping that is what the issue is, and that when the grief (yes, I know your said "regret," not grief; a rose by any other name...) ends, so will the arr... um, other stuff.

    By the way, in terms of the generally accepted American convention, you spelled "judgment" incorrectly. Unless you were also being colourful or anal...

    Sincerely, Skimmer357

  4. Arrogant, creepy, and pretentious. That was the hot chick. I called you an idiot. Soz about the pets but you know they're OK. And, I"m proud that I can get a straight answer from you. Eventually. Can I add 'wanker' to that list? (I mean that in the Aussie sense of the word)

  5. You hide typos intentionally? That makes me laugh. Of course I wish I could say the same, but anyone would know that's not true. Mine are all quite authentic.

    It's good to see your humor on the old blog. Reminds me of asking how to send laughter across a page once when I didn't know how. So, to this post-- :)!!!!!!!!

    Oh, I didn't know you gave away Jax and Jasper. I am sad to hear it; I've no doubt you and Starbuck miss them.

  6. Glad to see you back. As in the straight shooting, irreverent writer (read that somewhere, it was spelled correctly, btw) at times hysterical and other times brutally honest (not that those are mutually exclusive, mind you) being back.
    All joking aside (I do quit sometimes), "I'm proud that people know they can get a straight answer from me." That's why I will always like you. Honesty is a lost commodity all over the world.
    The pet thing is awful. I won't pretend I know how you're feeling, but as someone who put a dog to sleep this year, I'm still hurting and it just plain bites.