Monday, August 2, 2010

Irrelevant Etiquette

You ever get sick of hearing and reading about how to behave in certain situations and places? I do, but mainly because most of what's out there is stuff people should know already. Yeah, I get that the average person is dumb, and half of the rest are dumber than that (thanks, George Carlin!), but come on... what happened to that "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" poster that used to be up everywhere?

Anyway, and I realize I'm a bit of a hypocrite, since I've written about behavior before, but... whoa... run-on sentence in the making. And I just made it worse, didn't I? Ah, well.

Without further ado and digression, here's the most useless etiquette protocol you will ever see:

1. Be aware that "irreverent" and "irrelevant" are not thrown around lightly here. If you want reverence and relevance, I can point you to better places to find them.
2. Don't comment without reading the piece. I hide stuff for skimmers to expose themselves with, at which point the information is shared with dozens of bloggers who like to laugh at such things. Yes, humor between bloggers really does get that banal. But we dig banal. We write about it enough, eh?
3. Point out grammatical and spelling errors. Don't assume it was an innocent mistake and, for fuck's sake, don't be "polite" and pretend you didn't notice it. That doesn't help anybody.
4. Feel free to be critical, but say what you mean. Don't hide behind vague and colorful language in futile attempts to appear congenial. It makes you look like an idiot.
5. If you leave a comment expecting an answer, make sure your email address is unhidden. This is not a bulletin board. But I do often take the time to reply via email ("noreply@blogger" comments typically get ignored).
6. By the same measure, if you have a question, ask it. The cliché concerning the word "assume" is only half true. You'll be the only ass in the room.
7. For those readers whose sensitivities lead them to believe that I'm writing for their enjoyment: you are not paying for my groceries. This place exists for me to do what I want. "Kiss my ass" and "Have a nice day" are equally common phrases here.
8. If you do want to pay for my groceries so I'll write for your enjoyment, email me for my mailing address and we'll work out a remuneration plan.
9. Don't insult the comments of others. I don't care what you think about anybody else, and most readers here don't, either. Go to their blog and leave a comment or send them an email if you have an issue with someone other than me.
10. Kiss my ass and have a nice day.


  1. I like number seven. Perhaps I should point that out to some of my readers!
    And I apologise for not really being aware of number five until you pointed it out...

  2. LOL
    The number seven has got a mistake (spelling?) in it. You wrote: "you are not paying my for my groceries", that should probably be "not paying ME for my groceries", yes?

  3. I say old chap. Whilst perusing the list with my usual attention and concentration and in the sure and certain knowledge that I would find the usual stimulating thoughts which, despite the title of your fine piece of work, I find neither irreverent nor an irrelevance, I couldn't help thinking that, in the fullness of time and begging your absolute pardon that I might take just the smallest of issues with your point number 4. Not that I would want to appear an idiot.

  4. I've adopted your 'leave an email link' rule. It's exhausting and pointless to have a stream of responses to comments that few actually come back to read although I used to do it, for three years in fact. I do enough talking to inanimate objects as it is.

    I have a question (as usual) What did you use to clean your bathroom drain?

    @ Alan, I sagittate and prognosticate that the honourable gentlemen is often overwhelmed by the exuberance of his own verbosity

    @ RA he's gonna love that . . no, really.

    I'm not kissing your ass . . . well unless you pay me but I'll try to have a nice day. . . nicer if Siobhan commented on my posts!

    Sorry gratuitous begging is unbecoming I know.

  5. so i guess i should stop reading into those comments you leave occassionally over at my place...i am either banal or you are just least i leave my email for you to respond so 1 out of 7 is not terrible...

  6. I like how your list of numbers has words after them.

    Banal enough?

    But a good list. Add it on your sidebar or something, maybe to pop up when people comment.

    Or not.

    Kiss my ass, too.

  7. Oh, so you're in one of these kinds of moods, and it's not even the full moon yet.

  8. Ah Jeff,

    This is SO you, as your blog always is ;). It made me laugh to read. The last line was, as is fitting from you, perfect.

    I am not willing to kiss your ass, but I think I know a few women here who might quite like that ;). Have a nice day!

  9. Somebody got outta the wrong side of somebody else's bed this morning.

  10. it is prudent to use your napkin while eating pudding.

  11. There are occasional monsoons out here in the blogosphere, drenching everything with glowing praise that does little to nourish the garden of creativity. I'm not sure what I think the solution is, since if I am the recipient of one of these squalls, I rather like it ;-). Any recommended (useless or not) protocol tips on that? (Note compliance with #6 here...)

    Oh, and as for #2, I KNEW it!

  12. The man likes disclaimers!!!!

    I'm a particular fan of #3.