Wednesday, March 3, 2010

World Peace Through Irreverent Invention

Most people want world peace. Or at least pretend to want it, anyway. Sadly, as sentient, free-thinking, and imaginative as the human race is, it'll never happen. Well, not without a sole dictatorship in which everyone else is a mindless slave, anyway.

"Love thy neighbor" ain't gonna work - once you start loving his or her spouse a little too much, it's gonna start a fight. The United Nations ain't gonna work - but that's sort of what happens when the UN Security Council is comprised of sworn enemies. Family values ain't gonna work - they're subjective and, personally, I think most of them are pretty lame. Liberalism ain't gonna work - liberty is lopsided in favor of intelligent people. Conservatism ain't gonna work - the status quo tends to piss off people with more than half a brain.

So, how do we accomplish world peace? Well, I say by creating things that are fun to use and usefully fun.

Like what, you ask? Like these!
  • Cigarettes with fluoride. Brush your teeth while destroying your lungs!
  • Hustler and Penthouse versions of religious texts! Learn about all things holy while having orgasms!
  • Bullets loaded with plant seeds! Kill someone and start a forest!
  • Lawnmowers with leashes! Walk your dogs while cleaning up your yard!
  • Cell phones with condom dispensers! Text me to sex me!
  • Mattresses with toilets! Why get up to use the bathroom? Just go!
  • Mop handles with knives! Commit murder and clean it right up!
  • Newspaper toilet paper! Read about current events before cleaning your ass!
  • Taxi cab/escort services! Get laid while you get where you're going!
  • Enema-capable bidets! Don't just spray... rinse!
Okay, so none of those would foster world peace, but it's all I got.


  1. Oh, wait. I'm dead. So of course he gets there first...

  2. "Liberty is lopsided in favor of intelligent people"

    That might be my epitaph right there. Unless my brother gets to the stonemason first. Assuming he can still walk by that time...

  3. This really cracked me up, Jeff! If world peace is not accomplished by these humbly offered suggestions of yours, at least laughter will be.

  4. Jeff, I would definitely do a preliminary patent filing on some of these ... before some sly member of that lopsided intelligentsia beats us to it.

  5. i am with lorenzo, you need to patent these, you know someone will steal them,,a toilet in the matress, there are some lazy people that would be all over that.

  6. extreme irreverence. Somewhere in there we need a refridgerator. We'll all be too busy having fun to fight. (except the poor saps being murdered with mop handles)

  7. Ok... I do like the seed bullets. Going green is seeping into everything, ain't it?

  8. Brilliantly off-kilter. Some real genius here--no, I'm serious!!! I especially love the dirty bibles...

  9. It was Miss Scarlet in the billiard room with the mop handle knife.

  10. lol, no, but some of them could be very useful!

  11. I have news for you baby puppy but newspaper toilet paper was around long before you were a twinkle in yer daddy's eye and the Taxi Cab escorts . . . already in place! As for anything with an 'ism' on the end . . doomed to failure.

  12. World peace through idea I can live with...

  13. I just shared this blog with my maniac FB friends. If any really, really strange folks comment ... well, I don't know them. But this was a good piece to share.