Monday, February 15, 2010

Dear Cupid... You're a Prick

Dear Cupid,

I usually only write one letter to an imaginary figure per year, but since Santa Claus has already proven that he is illiterate and, thus, incapable of writing back, I figured I'd write a letter to you. In short, I'd like to state that your aim clearly sucks and that you need to go back to Artemis, Pan, Robin Hood, Rambo Jesus, or whomever the Hell you took archery lessons from, because I sat at home by myself for Valentine's Day. I got nothing. Just a few texts from some girls who I know who were kind enough to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. Sure, I appreciate their sentiment, but let's face it: they were rubbing it in. While they were off being swept off their feet by some dude who was only interested in a holiday screw, I was screwed by being relegated to watching the women's USA hockey team kick the crap out of China in a Winter Olympics that I am otherwise uninterested in.

Perhaps you're too busy fluttering around on those far-too-retardedly-small wings of yours to be bothered to take a proper aim and make a proper release. I don't know. All I know is that you suck. The only chocolate I had was some dried out M&Ms from the bottom of a cookie jar, and the only flowers I saw were dead because someone up there in your fake-ass pantheon decided to make it snow in the American Southeast and kill all the flora.

Did Saint Valentine and Saint Patrick switch days this year? Because pretty much everyone I know was rather drunk... you guys saving the one-night stands for March or what? How about some fucking lucky charms, asshole?

If I ever see you floating about, rest assured I'm gonna take a shot at you. And I ain't gonna miss. I hope your Hallmark royalties run out and you die a slow painful death from starvation. Prick.

Sincerely,
JeffScape

19 comments:

  1. Personally, I have never understood how he gets away with working just one day a year. What does he do for the other 364 for heaven's sake - work in a divorce counselling centre?

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  2. Very well done, I enjoyed reading this.

    Secretia

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  3. Aw give him a break, he's only a kid! You try hitting a moving target in the heart while you're fluttering with all your bits hanging out!

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  4. lol baino. sorry you had a bad VD jeff. maybe the winged one is just taking his time inding just the right one for you. smiles.

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  5. But what did YOU do for others? Did YOU contact someone you knew who might be alone yesterday? Why didn't YOU ask some girl you knew was alone yesterday (and yeah, I believe you know a few) out for burgers and fries? You can be your own Cupid if you tried! :)

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  6. I totally went to see Valentine's Day by myself smashed between two couples who were dead set on mating.

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  7. just wait until the Canadian women's hockey team kick the US's butt once again. HA! sorry i know i'm supposed to be humble as a girl from the great white north, but pfffffftttttt ;) maybe you could hire me as your cupid? when i lived outside Chicago, i attended a highschool that taught archery and my very first time i hit it dead center and yelled "BULLSHOT" (i forgot the term was "bullseye" and the gym teacher thought I was swearing). plus, Artemis' got nothin' on me - I can hit the man in the moon and her arrow always falls short into the sea of tranquility. s'funny you mention frosted lucky charms. maybe you should find an Irish girl (who's not rubbing it in about her Canadian women's hockey team) - Irish girls are...magically delicious. (pun likely intended.) it's also my facebook tagline under my profile pic. i changed it from "nancy is cuckoo for cocoa puffs" 'cause i thought that was scaring people (and cupid) off. i don't know if this tagline's working though, i think people are just thinking i'm talking about nursing my son. merde. ;) if you need to hire my archery finesse, lemme know, Leonard. ;)

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  8. p.s. you know Leonard is Canadian, too, right? we've got all the good stuff up here in The Hinterlands. 'cept '69 Chargers.

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  9. Did I just use faved as a verb???

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  10. Awesome just faved the site, love it!

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  11. i love this soo much perfect singles awareness day speech

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  12. Shit I did........Fuck me!

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  13. Jeff, I am laughing hard! This was really funny.

    You don't think a text is a good Valentine's Day present? :)!!!!!!!!!! Too funny. Hope you slept well, at any rate ;).

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  14. okay, I loved this. I am not much the fan of V-Day anyhow, so someone taking aim at the little flying fairy works for me!

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  15. Well, maybe if you give him some help, next year won't be a bust. Just sayin.

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  16. You may have lucked out.

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