Monday, May 25, 2009

Why Cops Must Hate the Mentalist

I enjoy The Mentalist, I really do. I understand that it's an extremely contrived show, but it's full of well-written characters and full of some nice touches that many viewers aren't used to seeing (CBI, anyone?). And, it's certainly far and away better than that totally contrived copycat on Fox, Lie to Me. Sure, it's not as slick, but neither does it rely on as much gimmickery and ultimate pointlessness.

Anyway... though I like the series, headlined by an actor I've followed since I first saw him in a bit part in L.A. Confidential (one of my favorite movies), I'm of the opinion that real cops and detectives must hate it. Ever notice how most of the procedural stuff is handled by Jane (the main character)? And he handles it in such a way that he almost scoffs at it like it's "duh" obvious. And even though the show, unlike Lie to Me, does highlight some procedural and forensic work done by real cops, it's usually as afterthought or just a way to build the other characters in the series. For the show, it works, but it still can't make real cops happy.

Other Television Musings

So, the inevitable happened: Life was canceled. Screw all you bastards who didn't tune it to save it. Ah, well... at least the finale was awesome.

The BBC hit, Primeval, is back, and boy does it suck so far. What happened to the days of shows getting better as they go on? Are even writers suffering from the impatience felt by viewers? And everyone wonders why reality TV is so prolific these days.

The upcoming season certainly has the record for lamest new show titles: The Listener, Mental, The Middle, Glee? Come on, now.

Jay Leno might wind up saving NBC in the short run, but he's going to kill network TV in the long run.

Somebody needs to convince the CW to give it up. Seriously... go away. Sell your better shows to the Big Four and just go away.

While I can't wait for The Cleveland Show to start, something tells me 90 minutes of Seth McFarlane every week is not going to work for very long. Then again, I think I'm overestimating the intelligence of TV audiences, so I'm probably wrong.

Do I really want 18 NFL games per season? Um... I love my Chargers, but no.

The next great NBC shows that aren't going to make it: Chuck and Southland. We can just throw them into the Life, Journeyman, and The Black Donnelly's pile right now.

Prison Break is finally gone. Good riddance. Although I give kudos for that ending.

Craig Ferguson is the best late night host on television.

For you Pushing Daisies fans, it's coming back for three weeks, Saturday nights on ABC.

And, in closing, for you whiny fans who seem to think ratings don't matter, who the fuck do you think ultimately pays for the shows you watch? This ain't the UK, and we ain't got the BBC. So watch the fucking commercials.

Have a nice day.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Don't Hide in my Bushes

Let me just start this off by stating that I am, by no means, a fighter. I avoid fights if at all possible, and anybody who knows me knows that I'd usually get my ass kicked in a few seconds.

So there I was... minding my own business, checking emails and such before getting ready for bed. Now, over the past few weeks, my dogs have been going nuts at night for no apparent reason. Tonight, I appear to have apparently discovered that reason.

Not only were my dogs going nuts, I heard a couple of voices screaming outside of my window. So I did the sensible thing: grabbed a flashlight, my trusty gator knife, and my German Shepherd and went to see what was going on. Three kids (two guys and a girl) had some dude cornered in my front lawn... some felon on the run named "Mike" who decided to hide in my bushes.

I advised him to come out, or I'd send the Shepherd in, so he complied. At which point he started fighting with the two guys. Now, he wasn't fighting all that hard, and the older boy was clearly a high school wrestler, so I went inside to call the cops. They were already on their way, but to a different address, so I informed them where the perp was and they adjusted course.

As I went back outside I noticed my neighbors had been woken up, and the wrestler kid was trying to talk the perp into staying put until the cops showed up, but then, as perps often do, the jackass tried to take down the kid. And the next thing I know, I've got the idiot on the ground in a Nelson, one of the perp's arms locked high, and his free wrist under my knee. He tried claiming that he couldn't breathe, at which point I informed him that I had been an EMT and that I was doing nothing to constrict his airway, and kept him there.

Oddly enough, the kids' mother showed up and decided to sit on me in order to add some extra leverage (or so I thought... she later informed me she was just distraught and needed to sit down... go figure). The dude kept struggling, so I told him if he didn't stay still I'd dislocate his shoulder.

Long story short, cops showed up, drama ensued, I caught some conversation about the guy running through backyards and opening gates (my neighbor figured it was his gate), and I went back inside. After everyone left, I let my dogs out for one last bathroom break of the night.

Of course, with my luck, it was my gate that was opened, and now my dogs are off gallivanting around the neighborhood at 1 in the morning.

I should've dislocated that fucker's shoulder.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

MySpace vs. Facebook

Yeah, so I reactivated my facebook recently. And I don't much care for it. At least not enough to understand the apparenty mass exodus from MySpace. What's the big fucking deal? Sure, the IM is better (even though MySpace's new IM is practically identical), but the whole site is basically just one big community Twitter on crack.

I admit, I've reconnected with some long-lost people from my past on facebook, and am glad for it, but other than that, I just don't get what's so much better than MySpace about it. Can somebody clue me in?

I first got a facebook in late '04 or early '05, back when it still required a .edu email. I didn't like it, and deactivated it rather quickly. Then I got my first MySpace in late '05, didn't like that, and deleted my account. Then I got another MySpace in early '06, and briefly reactivated my facebook sometime around then. I know you don't give a shit about any of this, but I'm just trying to point out that I'm not exactly partial to social networking sites.

By virtue of finding an old elementary school buddy (that's you, Rob), I wound up keeping my MySpace. I'll also be keeping my facebook for the same reason. But given that there are way more features on MySpace, I don't understand why so many people are not only shifting to facebook, but ditching their MySpace accounts completely.

I'm just curious. Tell me what's up.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

What My Fortune Cookies Should Say

You ever notice that fortune cookies are becoming more and more lame these days? Even often to the point that they don't even give you true fortunes... just general bullshit philosophies that could apply to anybody, or nobody at all.

Anyway, I'm currently exhausted, but somehow the idea popped into my brain that I know what a fortunes should say... were fortune cookies actually prescient in some way.

"You're the last to know because you're the last to care."

"You will experience boredom because you're bored by everything."

"You dreams will come true because you don't sleep."

"What you learn in life will not help you in death."

"You will soon talk to someone who will annoy the piss out of you."

"Night lights only make it easier for the boogey man to see you."

"Don't wish upon a falling star. It's only a rock hurtling to its doom."

"You can have your cake and eat it too. It's called 'having cake.'"

"Faith and Hope are important to keep locked up safe. Just make sure the FBI can't see them through your windows."

"Ask a lot of questions. Just don't expect any answers."

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Adventures in Alwaysland

Wake up. Possibly to an alarm clock, or maybe you're one of those assholes who can just get up when you need to via some sort of natural ability inherited from the Swiss. Get out of bed. Possibly slipping on, well, slippers, if you're one of those poor saps living in a cheap studio apartment with no carpet because every fucking other place is too god damned expensive on your meager salary, if you even get a salary. Maybe you're like me and work "project-based," which is just a fancy-pants wannabe-artist's way of saying you're unemployed most of the time. Head to the bathroom. Piss. Take a dump. Hopefully you wipe your ass. This is excused if you plan on immediately hopping in the shower, but even then, do you really want shit smeared on your washcloth? Sure, it'll wash right off, but the thought is rather disconcerting. I mean, unless you're a yuppy with a separate cloth for your face, that thing is going to be touching your eyes, nose, and mouth. Shower. Dry off. Get dressed. Go to the kitchen and get some food. Perhaps you're either lucky or smart and have the ingredients for a balanced breakfast, in which case you're a pompous hack. The rest of us will have a bowl of Cheerios, thank you very much. Throw the dishes in the sink, exit the house or dumpster, head to the car. If you're a moron, your car is more valuable than your home. If you're really a moron, the stereo and the hubcaps are more valuable than the car. Drive to work, doing your best to maintain your cool in the face of bad and/or angry drivers. Unless you're a bad and/or an angry driver, in which case you relish your morning commute of making everybody else even more miserable than they already are. Park. Walk into work wearing a fake smile, noticing your opposite-sex coworkers whom you don't think are particularly attractive but want to fuck anyway. Count the seconds to lunch. Eat, or don't, depending on your budget and/or the fiscal value of any significant other willing to bring you food or take you out. Go back to work. Count the seconds to closing time. Closing time is where the hourly employees have a leg up on the overpaid salaried employees. They get to leave regardless. Drive home through more shitty traffic. Maybe stop by a convenience store or a poisonous fast-food joint to pick up dinner. Get home. Frown at your crappy car and unfulfilling lifestyle. Eat the crap you bought. Watch TV. Hopefully it's a night with something good on. If you have pets, neglect them, but pretend to make up for it by letting them sleep in the bedroom, which is also your living room. Pass the fuck out.

Wake up. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Masturbate.

Have a nice day.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Afraid of Star Trek

Okay, let me just get this out of the way: I am a nerd; therefore, I like nerdy things. One of those things happens to be the Star Trek franchise, though I am hardly a Star Trek fanboy.

To put this in perspective, I grew up on reruns of Star Trek, and absolutely loved Star Trek: The Next Generation. Can't say I really got into Deep Space Nine (I watched three seasons and called it quits), Voyager (three episodes), or Enterprise (three minutes... if that). I must also state that I am a subscriber to the "even numbered" theory behind the films... that is, the even-numbered films are great, and the odd-numbered films suck ass. Yes, I realize that the last pre-reset film was an even-numbered film and sucked ass, but just bear with me.

I am, ostensibly, very excited for this new movie due out in a couple of days. Simply titled Star Trek, it's purportedly a blank-slate, discarding much of the overwhelming crap that has come to populate this uber-popular franchise. In my opinion, whomever came up with that idea is a genius (though I do feel the "original timeline" still deserves a proper send-off).

But...

In watching the previews for this new film, it appears to me that Star Trek is turning into a fanboy-only franchise, replete with ridiculous scenarios, do-all characters, and a complete omission of what little military and/or space agency accuracy the franchise had. Our beloved crew of Kirk, Spock, Uhura, etc., are no longer strangers who met on Enterprise, but instead classmates at their respective academy. How they will explain how Kirk rose to Captain while Chekov remained an Ensign will no doubt come as a surprise to everyone.

Anyway, I'm revealing too much of my nerdiness, I'm afraid. In short, my true fear lies in that there's a strong possibility that another franchise that I grew up loving will be trashed for so-called "marketability." This already happened with Star Wars, Charlie's Angels, Knight Rider, Indiana Jones, and (to a lesser extent) Battlestar Galactica.

Perhaps my fears are unjustified and the movie will rock all worlds, but I just can't take another childhood favorite getting ruined. I already have a crap-tacular G.I. Joe to look forward to.