Honestly, I'm actually feeling a bit tired tonight (though that doesn't mean I'm going to get any sleep), so I'm going to repost some of those questions and answers I mentioned back in... April? Yeah, April.
Maybe you'll find them funny, or maybe you'll just think I'm an idiot. Okay, I am definitely an idiot, but maybe you'll think I'm a funny idiot.
Again, the questions came from random people, and I wrote the answers, possibly in an inebriated state... but I shall claim the 5th.
Question: "Why are you trying to rip off Ask Miss Austen?"
Answer: "This reminds me of a time, long ago, in which dinosaurs roamed the Earth. A few years later, some crazy dudes from the Eastern Mediterranean region showed up and told everyone that dinosaurs were bullshit and that those crazy dudes were the first living life forms on the planet. Now, it has been reported that amoebas took offense to this claim, but their attempt at protest fell largely on deaf ears, probably because amoebas are incapable of speech. And even writing."
Question: "Why do you have such a lame-ass sig (signature)?"
Answer: "Once there was this dog that was missing a hind-leg, so it didn't have to lift its leg to pee. Watching other dogs do so, however, made it jealous, so it would try to hop while pissing. The moral of the story is that dogs shouldn't give a fuck about such things."
Question: "...how did I get dragged into this?"
Answer: "After the invention of time, God found Himself doing basically nothing but twiddling his thumbs. He once twiddled his thumbs so raw, Mount Vesuvius erupted and killed a bunch of people who had unwisely chosen a place to live."
Question: "My mouse needs new batteries. What should I do?"
Answer: "The terrible thing about rodents is not that they eat all of your cheese, but that they shit all over the place. Quite frankly, I find it amazing that Walt Disney's greatest contribution to America was to make a mouse an international symbol of American creativity and capitalism. Still, I guess things could be worse. After all, Ben Franklin wanted to make a turkey the national bird. As smart as he was, I don't think he quite understood the value and impact of symbolism. I mean, would we have been as frightened of the Russians if their symbol of ethnic fauna was a moose?"
Question: "Did dinosaur's (sic) invent the Cylons?"
Answer: "Albert Einstein once theorized that coffee cake would taste better if it were called hot cocoa cake. Whether or not that's true, I couldn't say, as my grasp of culinary physics leaves something to be desired. Now, if an apatosaurus walked up to me and told me that hot cocoa cakes were better than coffee cakes, I would not point out that hot cocoa cakes were simply coffee cakes re-imagined. In fact, I doubt I'd argue with an apatosaurus at all. I understand that they're herbivores, but the fucker could still squash me without blinking an eye."
Got your own question you need answered? Feel free to ask.
Have a nice day.