I haven't had any Chinese food lately, but I'm certainly fiending for some. After all, where else would I get my fortune cookie jokes from?
Actually, the last fortune cookie I had was very rudely taken from me. The culprit broke open the cookie, took the fortune, and threw the cookie away. See my luck? I was fucking hungry, too.
Anyway, more realistic fortunes for your enjoyment...
"Confucius says: don't put any stock in stupid strips of paper."
"Ideas are like children. Yours are bad, you just won't admit it."
"Many happy days are yet to come. Many sad ones, too, but let's not go there."
"Ain't no fucking tortoise ever beat a hare in a race."
"Follow your nightmares; they're dreams, too."
"Love is around the corner. $100 an hour, love you long time."
"It is much wiser to take advice than to give it. Which means the person talking to you is an idiot."
"Any rough times are behind you. When you leave the table, don't say you weren't warned."
"$12 for this food, and all you get is this lousy fortune."
"Confucius says: I'd tell you to enjoy your meal, but you already ate."