Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Personalized Fortune Cookies

So I had Chinese food last night, and I wound up with two fortune cookies (my lucky day, right?). Here's what they said: "You have a keen sense of humor and love a good time." and "You look happy and proud."

Wow. How fucking insightful. I'm sure a ton of people would jump at the chance at refuting those, both in application to me and to themselves.

But, they must be true. After all, each one had smiley faces on them and lucky lottery numbers on the back.

Seriously, there needs to be a better market for personalized fortune cookies. Here are some more suggestions:

"Beauty is only skin deep. But you're superficial, so you knew that already."

"The person sitting across from you is thinking about someone else."

"People are flakes. I'm just a fortune cookie."

"Take heart. Nobody else thinks your friend's newborn baby is cute, either."

"Don't worry about making money. Worry about the Secret Service when they come to arrest you for forgery."

"Your smile goes a long way. It'd probably go longer if you were also holding a gun."

"In the Kingdom of the Blind, it's okay to masturbate in public."

"Don't believe the hype. No straw ever broke a camel's back."

"I'd tell you Jesus loves you, but since I'm Buddhist, I'd be lying."

"If you love someone, let them go. Just make sure you have their car keys."

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