Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The King of the World

The Queen is dead. Long live the Queen.

She was, for better or worse, the largest part of my life since November of 2002. Not straight through, mind you, for there were plenty of hiccups, breakups, and throw ups in the span of time from then until now. Tumultuous does not begin to describe our relationship. Tumultuous might just describe a typical Wednesday, never mind the other six days of the week. She wasn't the type of person to let someone completely into her life, and I was the type of person who wanted to know everything. Needless to say, we were star-crossed from the start.

I can't remember exactly when I proposed to her, but it was fairly early in 2003. It was one of those cute proposals that young and dumb people like to do. I had shown her a candy ring, then made her close her eyes and slipped on the real one. The candy ring was less than a dollar... I can't remember how much I paid for the real ring, though she recently informed me that she had it appraised for almost $8,000. I guess she thought it was fake and had to be sure.

She was always testing me to see if I were real or fake, and I guess I must've failed her so-called tests most of the time. She was into such silly games when we were first got together. She even had a set of those "things you can never do to me" rules... there were five of them, and I had broken all of them within the first six months. At least I think so... I can't really remember what any of the rules were, save for "don't ever call me a bitch." And I wouldn't have, but she often was, and I like to call things as I see them.

Like I said... star-crossed from the start. She believes in Jesus and the Bible. I don't. Not even a little. She thinks Scarlet O'Hara defines a woman coming of age. I see Scarlet O'Hara as a brat getting worse. And Scarlet is obviously where she learned her philosophy of who owes who what in life. Which is, to say, she owes nobody anything, despite the fact that everything she has is due to the generosity of others.

I've been a complete and utter piece of shit during our relationship. Can't lie. I should've been arrested dozens of times. I've ripped clothes off of her, I've destroyed her furniture, I've kicked out the windows of her car. Of course, I did a fair bit of damage to my own property, as well. And she's certainly not guilt-free in that department. I seem to recall a hammer flying through the kitchen door's window, but maybe I'm mistaken. One thing's for sure... we were as destructive as anything the Earth has ever seen. Just ask our unborn child.

Star-crossed, remember?

Yes, there were a few attempts to be with other women along the way. She always suspected as much, but she never successfully pointed out who the culprits were. In fact, she still believes in a handful of women that I've never even been interested in. And there's the little fact she likes to omit when she tells these stories that we were always technically broken up at those times. But, whatever... I'm not the one who married someone else in order to teach the other a lesson.

Don't blink... you read that right.

At any rate, I tried to make it work. In October of 2008, I suddenly felt the same inexplicable euphoria over her that I had felt for her when we first met. Naturally, she refused to believe me... I guess by then it was "too little, too late," which explains her marriage to someone else in January of 2009, even before her mother died. And, oddly, the month of my birthday. I didn't learn about the marriage until April 3, by which point she and I had wound up having sex every weekend. I should've known something was going on. But it took kicking the guy's ass in a Mexican restaurant and a cop showing up to discover the truth. The queen was, indisputably, a born liar. Married, apparently, to another born liar (this particular schmuck walks around telling people he was in Delta Force).

There's more to this story, but I'm currently tiring of telling it. Almost as tired as I am of living it. Perhaps I'll finish it over a beer in some lonely bar in the future. If you're interested, look me up... I should be easy to find. After all, I'm the King of the World.


  1. I had forgotten what a great writer you are jeff. When something like this happens in ones life, you can only hope you take a lesson from it, but who am i too say that. Just keep writing, youre very talented. I wish I had half the discipline you have. Just keep writing.

    Posted by Lieutenant Lafours on June 16, 2009 - Tuesday - 1:49 PM

  2. I think you need to reread this every day.

    Posted by Joe on June 16, 2009 - Tuesday - 7:55 PM

  3. If it weren't so sad and true, it might just be beautiful.

    Posted by Jessica Lynn on June 16, 2009 - Tuesday - 2:21 PM

  4. Well, well, well, you never cease to surprise me. I guess trashing me always did though. Everyone who knew us definitely knew that. You're never going to be anything but heartless. At any rate, I hope this made you feel better. A good bashing Lisa always did...so I should say thanks for making the point. Long live the king. Goodbye Jeff.

    Posted by LISA on June 16, 2009 - Tuesday - 1:50 PM

  5. brillliant. and you hit close to home on more than one spot. you should write a country song about that last bit.

    Posted by The Corporate Whores on June 21, 2009 - Sunday - 12:27 PM

  6. WOW.


    Posted by **JEAN** on June 16, 2009 - Tuesday - 9:25 PM

  7. @LISA: Invariably at the end of a relationship, there is one person struggling to find honesty in what happened, and one person fleeing in terror from said honesty.

    Posted by Bitsy on June 16, 2009 - Tuesday - 8:16 PM