Thursday, May 21, 2009

Don't Hide in my Bushes

Let me just start this off by stating that I am, by no means, a fighter. I avoid fights if at all possible, and anybody who knows me knows that I'd usually get my ass kicked in a few seconds.

So there I was... minding my own business, checking emails and such before getting ready for bed. Now, over the past few weeks, my dogs have been going nuts at night for no apparent reason. Tonight, I appear to have apparently discovered that reason.

Not only were my dogs going nuts, I heard a couple of voices screaming outside of my window. So I did the sensible thing: grabbed a flashlight, my trusty gator knife, and my German Shepherd and went to see what was going on. Three kids (two guys and a girl) had some dude cornered in my front lawn... some felon on the run named "Mike" who decided to hide in my bushes.

I advised him to come out, or I'd send the Shepherd in, so he complied. At which point he started fighting with the two guys. Now, he wasn't fighting all that hard, and the older boy was clearly a high school wrestler, so I went inside to call the cops. They were already on their way, but to a different address, so I informed them where the perp was and they adjusted course.

As I went back outside I noticed my neighbors had been woken up, and the wrestler kid was trying to talk the perp into staying put until the cops showed up, but then, as perps often do, the jackass tried to take down the kid. And the next thing I know, I've got the idiot on the ground in a Nelson, one of the perp's arms locked high, and his free wrist under my knee. He tried claiming that he couldn't breathe, at which point I informed him that I had been an EMT and that I was doing nothing to constrict his airway, and kept him there.

Oddly enough, the kids' mother showed up and decided to sit on me in order to add some extra leverage (or so I thought... she later informed me she was just distraught and needed to sit down... go figure). The dude kept struggling, so I told him if he didn't stay still I'd dislocate his shoulder.

Long story short, cops showed up, drama ensued, I caught some conversation about the guy running through backyards and opening gates (my neighbor figured it was his gate), and I went back inside. After everyone left, I let my dogs out for one last bathroom break of the night.

Of course, with my luck, it was my gate that was opened, and now my dogs are off gallivanting around the neighborhood at 1 in the morning.

I should've dislocated that fucker's shoulder.


  1. Look at you, your bad self...

    Posted by Joe on May 21, 2009 - Thursday - 8:53 AM

  2. I'm impressed.

    Posted by Jessica Lynn on May 21, 2009 - Thursday - 6:15 AM