Friday, August 1, 2008


I have cats. And I love my cats. Okay, sometimes I hate my cats, but for the most part I love my cats. Everyone has a crazy cat story, of course, and I am no different. I've found poo in strange places, woke up to a piss stain on the pillow next to my head, discovered dismembered small-animal parts in my living room, and laughed as a kitten attached itself to my German Shepherd's face.

Despite all of this, I have never had to make a decision of priorities while watching my cats do something that, well, I'd regret later.

Tonight, however, and merely a few moments ago, I did.

Now, my cats adore me. I'm not exactly sure why, as I don't treat them any better than my dogs, but these two cats adore me. They follow me around like begging dogs, watch TV with me, sleep with me, and fight over which one gets to sit in my lap. I haven't been a cat person for very long, relatively speaking, so forgive me if this all comes across as "normal" to some of you. To me, it's downright strange.

Usually when I watch television, one cat will take station on the back of the couch, right above my head. Most of the time, that cat will simply fall asleep, but other times, he'll attack my hair. The other cat will, as implied earlier, simply curl up on my lap.

Now, I'm a fairly avid drinker of Vitamin Water. I like it, and it doesn't damage your teeth as badly as Gatorade does. And, since I usually don't eat as balanced as I should, I take solace in the extra vitamins the drink provides. My current favorite flavor is "power-c." Mind you, Vitamin Water isn't the cheapest drink in the world, and when you add up the gas you use to drive to the nearest convenience store to buy a bottle, it's about, oh, $57.12 for a 32 fluid ounce bottle.

Currently, my favorite comedy is a little-known British comedy called Spaced. To be blunt, it is the funniest fucking 30-minute comedy series I have ever seen. And that's not an exaggeration.

So there I was...

Watching an episode of Spaced, drinking a bottle of "power-c" Vitamin Water, when my dark cat decided he wanted to sit in my lap. Normally, he'd walk to the front of the couch by my feet and jump into my lap. But, since this particular cat suffers from frequent bouts of laziness, he decided to take the short route... which was from the left, over the armrest, which just happened to be where my arm was resting. Go figure, right?

Unfortunately for me, the cat misjudged how much higher he would have to pounce in order to clear my arm, and, as such, didn't quite make it. Instead of simply falling to the ground and trying again, however, he went with "Option B."

Now, I assure you that "Option B" is quite painful, as it involves my cat attempting to maintain altitude by latching onto the nearest surface with his claws. That nearest surface happened to be my arm.

Since I love my cats, I'm always willing to lend a helping hand. The problem here was that one hand was pinned to the armrest, and the other was holding my drink. So, in reactionary fashion, I instantaneously set the bottle between my thighs, reached over with my now-free right hand, grabbed my cat by the neck, and pulled him up to safety... right into my lap. Spilling at least 12 ounces of my 32 ounce drink onto the floor.

Result? Cat not on lap, Vitamin Water not in mouth, me no watch Spaced.

As I knelt there, cleaning up the liquid mess, I went over the incident in my head. I came to the conclusion that my priorities were wrong. I shouldn't have attempted to save the cat, who would've been fine anyway, and lose my drink while interrupting my entertainment.

I should've just hit the cat with the drink bottle, tapped the "jump back" button on the DVR, and finished my show.

Next time, I'll be ready.

1 comment:

  1. Funny, you should write more, get famous

    Posted by Desert Spirit on August 5, 2008 - Tuesday - 8:52 PM