New Year's resolutions are bunk. We all know that. Hell, anyone checking at my resolutions for 2007 would know that I didn't keep any of them.
So, this year, I'm going to make some that I know I can keep.
1. I resolve to eat lots of food, ignoring any possible health risks caused by said food.
2. I resolve to pet my cats and dogs, even while neglecting their desire to go for long walks.
3. I resolve to imbibe in alcohol, smoke an occasional cigarette, and throw up once or twice.
4. I resolve to watch a lot of movies, keep up with certain television series, and play video games when I have the time.
5. I resolve to cuss out someone who insults me, making them feel really small and really stupid.
6. I resolve to waste a lot of time on the Internet, remaining oblivious to the fact that there are other, more productive, tasks that require my attention.
7. I resolve to drive on the highways like they are my highways, acting as though the rest of the drivers out there are merely borrowing my road space.
8. I resolve to forget birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions due to my own self-centered and narcissistic tendencies.
9. I resolve to spend more money than I should, buy more things than I need, and deplete my savings in the name of fun.
There... that's better.