Thursday, September 27, 2007

Bad Drivers I: The Nervous Old Woman

In this series of stereotypical, racist, sexist, and ageist blogs, I will examine the bane of all of those mentally and physically competent drivers who man the roads: bad drivers.

We all know who they are; we all know where they are; we all know what they are. Bastards with a driver's license.

First up: the nervous old woman.

Imagine yourself enjoying a nice drive through the country, on an old, unassuming road with a 55 mile-per-hour speed limit. Few people are on the road, things are flowing smoothly. And then you see it. Off in the distance, an old, 80s-era K-car putt-putt-puttering its way in the same direction of travel as yourself.

You gain on it quickly, of course, as it seems to be only averaging 40 MPH, while you, not one to obey every law to the letter, travel about 60 to 62 MPH. As you close, you think you see a driver, but aren't sure. The nearer you get, the more it seems like all you see is a steering wheel with a pair of hands on it. But then, the reveal: a gray poof of hair just level with the steering wheel. Oh, shit... it's an old woman.

Annoyed, you slow down to 40 to maintain speed, waiting your chance to pass as oncoming traffic makes its way by. Then you slow down to 37, then speed up to 42, then back down to 35, then up to 45. Finally, irritated beyond all belief, you attempt to pass.


The old hag freaks out and starts swerving nervously, frighteningly. You hesitate in your attempt, as you fear she might swerve into you. You curse your bad luck... and try again.

This time, she holds fairly still, but for some odd reason, accelerates to match your speed, as if she's somehow following you. Oncoming semi... fuck... you slow down, get behind the bitch, and wait for a two-lane road.

We've all been there; I was just there a couple of hours ago.

Solution: mandatory full driver's tests every renewal period for all drivers over 65. Then, after 75, mandatory full driver's tests every year.

The old hag might have a problem with this, of course, but I don't care. I'm self-centric.

Have a nice day, and vote for Clint Eastwood... who is old enough to need annual driving tests.

1 comment:

  1. You said it in your first sentence: " the roads: bad drivers." I know that you know the real moniker for this category of bad driver is "nervous old people. Given that, I'm all for the suggested testing, including some to test for enough height to actually see over the dashboard and to ensure that they can see at all.

    Florida sends (or used to, anyway) out new licenses in the mail. A few years ago, my 87-year-old mother-in-law, who had macular degeneration in both eyes, not to mention encroaching dementia, received her new license in the mail when the old one expired. The new one was good for ten years!