Friday, April 6, 2007

Stagnant

For the last year now, I have been stagnant. Stuck in one place, building up residue from not moving, accumulating a stench that comes from an object remaining in one place for too long.

It wasn't meant to be this way. I had a plan to move forward, start on my career, continue my education, all the good things that I knew were waiting for me in life.

And then it happened. A crevice appeared in the path of my rolling stone. And my stone got stuck.

Initially, I tried to fight my way out of it, but that only made things worse. Adding insult to injury, the more I fought the cause of that crevice, the more success that crevice achieved. Soon, I was on the wrong side of the looking glass. Instead of being where I wanted to be, on equal ground (or higher), I was looking up at my then-adversary.

In life, I can safely say that I had never, up to that point, lost a fight when it mattered. All obstacles had been overcome, and believe me, there were some tall ones. But this one... well, it stopped me dead in my tracks, and even pushed me back quite a bit.

This obstacle blamed me for everything that had happened to it. And I do mean everything. It overlooked the fact that it was now towering over me because of how I supported its rise, its development, and its new attitude of seizing what it wanted. To this day, it even ignores the fact that it is the sole reason that my progress was halted. Well, I guess I, myself, am also a reason for that... but I take the blame only because I trusted something when I clearly shouldn't have.

Despite the tone of what I just wrote, I really have no desire to fight that obstacle. In fact, regardless of the lack of parity with it, the obstacle and I are sort of progressing through life together. No, we are not helping each other... it was and likely always will remain an obstacle. But, we are both stagnant. Stuck on the side of the mountain, moving nowhere. The difference being that the obstacle could have, at any time, moved. It even had the choice of allowing me movement as well. But it hasn't. It's still there, waiting for some sort of bullshit sign that will never come.

That was then. This is now. I once again, thanks to the assistance of people who actually do give a shit about me, have the ability to resume my roll. All I need now is a bit more help in the form of a roommate or two, and to shed some of the baggage that my initial obstacle left me with.

The problem is that seemingly everyone I know is comfortable being stagnant. They all claim to want to take the jump, the large risk into the next stages of their lives, but none of them do. They all wait, taking refuge in the familiar stench that signals their lack of motion. And, still because of that perilous obstacle, I am unable to do anything about it.

I've come to find that the only thing worse than having to stay still is having the ability to move, but being forced to stay still. Seriously, what is it with people? I'm guessing that it must be fear. People don't like to be afraid, but shit, that's what life is all about.

Everything I've ever done has come with fear, prepackaged for my whim and will to deal with. Joining the Army at 17. Jumping out of an airplane at 18. Moving to a new place, a new country. Hell, even returning to a place that I had previously left. Entering a new relationship? I'm sure you all agree... that can be downright terrifying. Have children? I don't, but I know that is probably the scariest thing a person faces in life, short of death. But when does the fear stop? When should it?

The answer is easy... it never does, and it never should. Life is all about moving forward, being a rolling stone, stopping for nothing. I've often said that people should be confident in life, but never comfortable. Frankly, I've been comfortable for too long now, and not by my own accord. I had, quite simply, lost my confidence. But it's back now, and I'm ready to get the waters flowing.

I hate being stagnant. It smells bad. I'm ready for another jump.

If anyone actually has the guts to take the leap with me, let me know. Now is the time for me. Not next month, not next week, not tomorrow, but yesterday.

Let's do this shit.

1 comment:

  1. Why can't you take the leap by yourself?

    My previous comment was not hypocritical given the ending of your blog... It's still someone else's fault. You still love me.

    Posted by Jessica Lynn on April 6, 2007 - Friday - 2:46 PM

    ReplyDelete