Given the nature of some conversations I've had with many of you lately, I've decided to reveal some things about myself. Of course, I'm going to maintain many of my so-called secrets, but the following are some of which I no longer deem "necessary for national security," if you follow my logic.
Yes, you know who you are, I was once in the CIA. I will reveal nothing else pertaining to that, so please quit asking.
I was once a devout Christian, and my vehemently agnostic point-of-view is a result of certain "indiscretions" forced upon me by members of my former church.
I've never lived in California. I only said that so non-Californians would think I was cool. Clearly, it didn't work.
I don't have a girlfriend because I'm a little gay.
I never actually quit smoking. I'm just better at hiding it now.
I don't pick up stray animals because I "feel sorry them." I pick up stray animals because they make a nice meal. Freshly killed meat always tastes better than butchered, processed, shipped, and stored meat. I only kept my last few animals because I had a suspicious girlfriend at the time. However, notice that I have four fewer cats than when I was still with said girlfriend.
My favorite movie is really Gone With the Wind, not Road to Perdition. And Scarlett O'Hara is my hero (although I'm still not a huge Vivien Leigh fan).
Ellen DeGeneres turns me on. Don't know why.
I feel that George Bush has been America's finest President since George Washington. He has brought America back to being the shining light of civilization.
If you're reading this, and you believe any of it, keep in mind that it's April Fools' Day, you fucking moron.