Scientists have just determined that the closest known living relative to the Tyrannosaurus Rex is the chicken. I'd plug in a "but what did they taste like" joke, but some asshole reporter who thinks he's more clever than me beat me to it.
The Duke lacrosse players have been proclaimed innocent and the charges have been dropped by the North Carolina Attorney General. Did anybody really find this as a surprise? I mean, to find a "victim" less credible would require listening to Imus on the radio. Oops... did I just write that? Hey, nappy-headed hos have feelings, too.
People are walking out of Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino's double feature, Grindhouse, supposedly because they're not realizing that it's a double feature. That, or Robert Rodriguez' entry is worse than anybody is admitting.
I got dumped for a psychopath who writes what is undeniably the worst poetry on the planet. Can you believe that? And his eyes don't even point the same direction. And he's a closet homosexual. Which is really odd... but at least it explains his blatantly homoerotic narcissism.
The Black Donnellys, arguably the best new show on television, got ditched by NBC due to low ratings, thereby once again proving the stupidity of the American audience. But, rejoice, for Survivor is still on the air, and Sanjaya is still irritating the fuck out of me on American Idol. Way to go, American public. Way to go.
The San Diego Padres are off to a good start. Lets just hope they don't succumb to a head coach (whoops, manager) who repeatedly chokes in the playoffs despite having regular season records to be envious of. Wait a sec... wrong team.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell suspended moronic Tennessee Titan Pacman Jones a full year for his moronic behavior stemming from the fact that he's a moron. And, presumably, because the pink ghost kept nabbing him before he could get to the bouncing cherries.
Recording artist Pink is apparently being censored for her controversial views concerning President George Bush. I think the bigger controversy lies in the fact that she most likely has no idea who the current President is. NBC, please get rid of her Sunday Night Football intro. Please. It's fucking painful.
Overuse of a cell phone and/or laptop can cause the following health problems: sore thumbs, acne and rashes, carpal tunnel syndrome, computer vision syndrome, addiction, lower sperm count. Now, honestly, doesn't that sound more like the symptoms that our closet gay, no-talent poet gets when he surfs the internet for naked Elton John photos? Seriously, doesn't it?
Women who are ovulating are discovered to prefer "manly" and "high-testosterone" men. Um, we needed a study to discover that?
The UN recently issued a report that we are, in fact, in a state of global warming. Why do I get the feeling that Dick Cheney still doesn't believe it? No, let me rephrase that: why do I get the feeling that Dick Cheney still doesn't give a shit?
How about that?
* This is the first part of what will hopefully be a nine-part entry in the River of Mnemosyne challenge that's happening over at The ...
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