Thursday, February 1, 2007

Advice for a Horrifically Bad Poet

I have officially been thrown off the deep end. Remember that bad poetry I hinted at in an earlier blog? He just keeps coming, and for whatever reason, I can't fucking avoid him.

Dude, if I'm going to be stuck reading your crap for the rest of MySpace eternity, the least you could do is learn how to write. This includes learning how to spell, and how not to overuse commas, but you're driving me so fucking crazy, I'll settle for a simple development of your talent. A talent, by the way, which wouldn't be allowed in the door of an American Idol for Poets contest.

I must apologize to my friend who is going to take offense or otherwise get mad at me for this... but like I said, nails on a chalkboard.

On to the advice... let's start with something your simple, underly-overly educated dumbass can pick up without too much thinking, eh?

Piece of Advice 1: Words you shouldn't use when writing poems:

Lucid – And don't use "liquid," "solid," or any other descriptor that ends in "id." Unless, of course, you're describing your own bad poetry, which is "flaccid."

Demon or Angel – Can we say BORING? Yeah, the Bible beat you to this, and Milton perfected it. Someone of your low level of talent doesn't have a chance. In other words, you have not been "blessid."

Hawk or Dove – Can we say STUPID? Of course, a hawk will represent violence, a dove peace, a hawk comes from "below" because a dove, naturally, must come from "above." Lord have mercy, STOP! The only bird reference that you fit is that you're like a pigeon taking a shit on my car.

Babel – Yet another Biblical reference that only becomes more obscure with poetry. Blah, blah, blah. Why don't you just write the lyrics to "Stairway to Heaven" and try to claim them as your own, you talentless moron?

Fire – Yes, the old, trusty "flame" of flammable, inflamed passion is heavily overused. Of course, it's usually only heavily overused by people who write bad poetry. A ha! I'm on to something. Fire of love? Check. Fire of lust? Check. Fire of desire? Oh, shit, check. Fire of time? That's a new one, still crappy, check. Fire of YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE. Definitely check.

Piece of Advice 2: Structure

Vary it up a little. When a chapbook is full of 100 poems that all sound the same, look the same, read the same, rhyme the same, and have the same words (those listed above, plus a few other culprits that I really didn't feel like getting into), YOU SUCK!

Change it up! Move a fucking comma! Give me a fucking limerick once in a while!

Piece of Advice 3: Learn to spell

There's nothing worse than a poem about love and lust than a poem about love and lust with fifteen misspelled words in as many lines. Your spelling is so bad, I'm surprised I haven't mistaken your poetry for being written in Latin.

Piece of Advice 4: Quit writing

Please. And for Heaven's sake, never, never, never, write a song lyric again. It almost lobotomized me.

5 comments:

  1. i haven't read any of his work or whatever...but i agree w/ you regarding spelling and punctuation (if you are doing something serious and not just typing to a friend)...however, i see nothing wrong with using some of the words listed above. it just depends upon the nature of the poem and the view point from where that person is coming. some poems are simple and beautiful...some are more complex and totally suck. beauty comes in all forms...be more open-minded to such. i have a lot of poetry that sounds similar or based on the same "topic"...but i don't care. i love it b/c A) its mine, and B) because i needed to write about that until i got it all out. it may be boring to some, but it was very healing to me. i'm just saying...keep an open mind jeffrey...

    xoxo
    e

    Posted by you have no idea... on February 9, 2007 - Friday - 7:33 PM

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  2. ....on second thought, I just found out who you were...never mind....never mind

    Posted by Jake FUBAR on February 6, 2007 - Tuesday - 8:10 PM

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  3. i fucking love honest critiques, seriously. i really only write "shit" as a release...not really into it for anything else, and only share it with people who ask, the ones ive blogged are for family members and close friends, and those that have commented on them know it.

    im not on a supreme level of genius, and dont have such a monopoly on the "science" of art, such as you.

    but i truly do like hearing anything people wanna say, hell, i put my stuff out there, i deserve to hear what people think, im really starving for writing knowledge from those who know.

    i have to add you as a friend, i love unique people.

    only beef i have is this, instead of hiding it on your page, throw your opinions on mine, i dont give a fuck about anything.
    so 2 kudos for you
    jake

    Posted by Jake FUBAR on February 6, 2007 - Tuesday - 7:48 PM

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  4. If I don't like what's on television, I change the channel. If I don't like the book I am reading, I stop and put the book away or take it back to the library unread. Are you obligated to read said crap? If not, why so upset? If so, bless your poor little heart. Grading in bright red pen might make you feel a little better.(Vengence can be cathartic at times) I generally don't "get" (or even try to like) poetry that is supposed to be good, so I can't imagine how awful bad poetry must be. rock on, man.

    Posted by **JEAN** on February 1, 2007 - Thursday - 10:12 PM

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  5. Two words for you.....Stress Management.

    Posted by Cowan on February 1, 2007 - Thursday - 4:13 PM

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